Thrown for a loop

Right now I am in a city I lived for two school years. Not consecutive years by the way... I hated the first year here, went somewhere else and then came back. Tried it again, though better in some ways than the first year, it wasn't the place I belonged. I then ventured to a different school the following year. This year I am going back to that school. This is the first time to be in the same school two years in a row. That's pretty impressive, or sad? It's been what I needed and it has made sense for my life.

Anyway as I visit here, I can't help to miss it. I made a lot of friends this summer that go to school here. I can tell that I have come a long way, I have grown up and I no longer hate it here. I am at peace.  I have grown up. I do sometimes miss things about this place. But I know where I am is where I need to be this year I pray that God has a plan for my life and that I am willing to take me where he leads me.

Memories

Now that I'm done with camp I have a lot more free time.  This isn't always a good thing...
When I have a lot of free it's thoughts galore! Try and keep up, this might get pretty random, but this will give you a taste of what is going through my head on the daily.

This summer at camp we did a Passion play on Friday night and as I write I'm listening to the music that was played as the scenes were acted out.  I can see everything as it happens according to the songs.  These are some of the memories I love.  I can see Cj playing Jesus; I see Zach, Kyle and Taylor pretending to untangle a fishing net.  I see James as Lazarus being raised from the dead.  This music is so powerful.  I love being able to picture those amazing Friday nights.  So many tears were shed each week as the campers watched in awe.  

I find the way we can trigger memories to be an astonishing thing.  It's is not just things that we see or hear, but it can be triggered by things we smell or taste.  These are some of my favorite triggers.
I sip my coffee this Sabbath morning, I can picture all the mornings my mom woke me up with hot coffee, topped off with whipped cream and sprinkles in one of her favorite tea cups.
My mom took this exact coffee to my little sister today, saddened by the fact that this is her last Sabbath at home.  She is headed off to her first year of college on Wednesday.

Dreams are memories I wonder the meaning of as I wake, and sometimes even later in the day.
Evers so often when I'm lay down with my eyes closed I can start to recollect a dream that I believe  I've had many times.  I don't know what the dream is about or even how to describe it, but I can feel it.  As I lay there I'm absorbed into this powerful feeling but then I lose it as quickly as it appeared.

I have lived in Colorado my whole life, so in other words I have memories all over this state.  I went to the same school for 12 years, so I know that area like no other.  Sometimes it's fun to relive the memories other times it brings on pain, sadness and frustration.  I drive by places and remember the laughs and the tears.  Where my and my boyfriend at the time went on a date, where we cried together on a park bench. Where I was when I learned of deaths of friends and classmates.  Where I got into my first car accident and then my second only a couple blocks away.

Things have changed in my life in many ways.  I know that is what growing up is, but sometimes it hurts instead of bring a smile to my face as I relive the past.  I miss the friends or high school and the fun we had when we would hang out, we had so much random fun.  I know it brings a huge smile to my face as I remember the night we watched Troy.

The point of all this is that we have memories to remember life.  With out memories what do we have? We would only have the present, life would feel so empty.  The good and the bad memories teach us lessons, they keep us connected to places and people.  Even though it is hard to sit in the midst of them sometimes, I wouldn't trade them.  I still laugh as I watch youtube videos made with my best friend, and smile at the pictures of us on the many incredible trips we went on.

It's okay to remember the past and relive the memories, but don't let the past consume your present or your future.  Keep making memories, and do things that you will look back at and think, "Remember when we did this...." and not, "I wish I had done that..."

I will not be typical.

Summer has begun.  Record player is blaring "Phantom of the Opera".  Room is still in shambles after my move back home.  Ideas of decorating are zooming through my head.  My heart is racing, could be the coffee, could be thoughts of travel.  I want to travel.  If nothing else I want to travel.  I don't want to settle down, not yet.  Why must I finish school, I don't want the typical life.  Yes, someday I will get married and someday I will have kids.  But I am 23, and I'm not ready for that life at all.  I want to do crazy things.  I want to have stories.  I don't want to live a life of "I wish".  I  want to live a life of "Remember when".  

I have so much stuff... 13 perfume bottles, almost 100 DVDs, enough shoes for days, and stuff with no point.  I'm tired of the life of the typical American.  So many people have nothing and are more than happy.  I don't want this excess of crap in my life.  I want to be free from the chains that these material items have on me.  

I want to just go.  I don't want to have a destination, I don't want to have a schedule.  I want to be free.  I want to do things my own way.  I want to be me.  I want to get my nose pierced.  I want to skip to the beat of my drum, deciding which beat I will proceed on.  I want to be in a location where I can do what I desire and no one will say "boo" about it.
  When I look back on my life the comfortable life makes me uneasy instead of content.  I seek adventure, it feeds my soul.
  I want to fall in love.  I want to fall in love with a man, and I want to fall in love with a location.  I want to know that where I am is where I am supposed to be.
  God knows where that is going to be, and I'm ready for that to begin.  NOW.  

shout out

Shout out to Ella! My only follower... haha

You are a great friend, you have gotten to know me pretty well and you can always make me smile :)

LOVE YOU GIRL!

Judged.

Everyone gets judged, sometimes behind your back and sometimes to your face.  It seems to  be strangers that usually judge us, but not always.  Tonight it was my mom.  Now I don't want it to seem that I don't love her, because I do.  But we have differences of opinion, and different things that we want out of life.  There is no rule on how life should be lived, and things can be done in different order or not at all.  Just because things haven't fallen into place like the perfect world would have them doesn't mean that I should be judged for that.

I'm not a bad person, I'm not even a different person that you know, or raised.  So why do you have to say, or ever THINK things that can hurt.  

And the things that are being worried about and said, what if they were to happen or were true? Would I be loved any less, would you really feel or treat me differently?

The thing is, I'm not sorry for how my life is.  I'm sorry its not your "ideal" life, but it IS MY LIFE, and this is how it has fallen in place.  I don't know what is to come, but this judgement doesn't help.

Can't you just love me for how I am, and not what you wish my life was.

Can you really love someone and judge them at the same time?

I don't know.

22

It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
And make fun of our exes, uh uh uh uh
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight
To fall in love with strangers uh uh uh uh
Yeaaaah
We're happy free confused and lonely at the same time
It's miserable and magical oh yeah
Tonight's the night when we forget about the deadlines, it's time uh uh

I don't know about you but im feeling 22
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you
You don't know about me but I bet you want to
Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22, 22

It seems like one of those nights
This place is too crowded too many cool kids
It seems like one of those nights
We ditch the whole scene and end up dreaming instead of sleeping
Yeaaaah
We're happy free confused and lonely in the best way
It's miserable and magical oh yeah
Tonight's the night when we forget about the heartbreaks, it's time uh uh

I don't know about you but im feeling 22
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you
You don't know about me but I bet you want to
Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22, 22

I don't know about you, 22, 22

It feels like one of those nights
We ditch the whole scene
It feels like one of those nights
We won't be sleeping
It feels like one of those nights
You look like bad news I gotta have you, I gotta have you

I don't know about you but im feeling 22
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you
You don't know about me but I bet you want to
Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22, 22

Dancing like 22, yeah, 22, yeah yeah

It feels like one of those nights
We ditch the whole scene
It feels like one of those nights
We won't be sleeping
It feels like one of those nights
You look like bad news I gotta have you, I gotta have you

22 by Taylor Swift

No money, Honey.

I have never been a wealthy girl.  I am surviving, and that's okay.  There have been times of struggle, but through prayer and faith I have made it this far.

People that have money "try" and understand when you tell them about not being able to afford something because you are a poor college student, or because you need to save your money so you can eat.  But they don't, not really... at least not to the extent that people who don't have money can understand each other.

College isn't paid for all at once, in fact it won't be paid for for quite a while....

Trips don't happen because you randomly want to go somewhere.

You must work for things that you want, they doesn't just appear.

My car sucks, thanks, but I can get where I need to go, and thats what I'm really worried about.

Growing up wearing your sisters hand-me-downs because you had to, not because it was cool.

Not seeing your family more than twice in a school year because plane tickets are too expensive.

These are things that the rich kids don't understand.  These are the times when your poor friends grow even closer to you because they feel your pain.

Your closest friends are the people who you can relate to, and right now those are my "poor" friends....
"poor" because they may not have a ton of money, but "rich" because they have some of the biggest hearts.